You don’t have to manufacture the love you’re trying to give away.

“Love your neighbor as yourself.”

It sounds simple enough.

Until you actually have neighbors. 😂

People are difficult. We are difficult. People disappoint us, misunderstand us, reject us, take more than they give, and sometimes don’t seem particularly interested in being loved by us at all.

So we try harder.

We tell ourselves to be kinder. More patient. More forgiving. More loving.

And then somebody hurts us again and suddenly we discover that our enormous reservoir of unconditional love was apparently about three tablespoons deep. 

Maybe that’s because we’ve started in the wrong place.

Jesus Started With God

When Jesus was asked which commandment was greatest, He didn’t begin with our neighbor.

He began with God.

Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. Then He said to love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37–39).

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that order.

Maybe loving other people isn’t something we’re supposed to manufacture entirely from within ourselves. Maybe we first immerse ourselves in the love of God until we have something different to give.

His love through us.

When We Love in Our Own Strength

Human love is limited. Mine certainly is.

When I’m trying to love somebody entirely from my own reservoir, I may need that person to respond correctly. I may need appreciation. I may need affection. I may need them to recognize what I’m doing, reciprocate it, or at least not reject me for it.

And when they don’t, it hurts.

Sometimes that hurt reveals the transaction hiding underneath what I thought was unconditional love:

I’ll love you, and you’ll give me something back.

But when I am immersed in God’s love—when I know where my worth, security and love come from, from Him— someone else doesn’t have to fill that vacancy for me.

I can love you without needing to collect payment. It becomes real - unconditional.

Love Does Not Always Mean Relationship

I used to think loving my neighbor meant I needed to become friends with everyone around me.

I would make an effort. I would reach out. I would try to build relationships. And sometimes those relationships simply didn’t become what I hoped they would.

I’ve learned something from that.

I don’t have to manufacture a relationship in order to love someone.

I can pray for the people around me. I can smile when I see them. I can be kind when our paths cross. I can wish good things for them. I can forgive offenses. I can maintain healthy boundaries. And I can do those things without expecting friendship, affection or anything else in return.

In fact, I’ve found that I can love people much more freely when I stop expecting them to respond to my love the way I want them to.

Maybe loving people becomes easier when we stop requiring them to love us back.

That doesn’t mean rejection stops hurting. It doesn’t mean we eliminate boundaries, tolerate mistreatment, or remain in unhealthy relationships. And loving somebody does not mean approving everything they do.

It means they were never supposed to be the source of the love I need in the first place.

God is.

We Love Because He First Loved Us

1 John 4:19 says it beautifully: “We love because He first loved us.”

That changes the whole equation.

I don’t have to stare into a mirror and manufacture enough self-esteem to become loving. I don’t have to grit my teeth and somehow produce endless patience, forgiveness and kindness from a finite human supply.

I can go to the Source. To God.

I can know God. Spend time with Him. Pray. Read His Word. Receive His love. Let Him correct me, comfort me, forgive me and change me. Love myself. Care for myself.

And the more immersed I become in His love, the more of His love there is to flow through me, towards me, and towards others.

Love Yourself, As Yourself

This is part of what our slogan Love yourself, as yourself. Gal. 5:14® has come to mean to me.

Loving yourself isn’t declaring yourself perfect. It isn’t selfishness, self-worship or making yourself the center of everything.

It is learning to see yourself as someone God loves.

And when I stop asking other people to prove that I am lovable, I become freer to love them.

I can care for myself without making you responsible for my worth.

I can have boundaries without hating you.

I can forgive without pretending nothing happened.

I can pray for you without needing to be close to you.

I can smile and wish you well without requiring you to smile back.

That is a much freer kind of love.

Abide

Jesus used another image I love: the vine and the branches (John 15).

A branch doesn’t grit its teeth and manufacture fruit.

It abides.

It stays connected to its source, and fruit grows from that connection.

Maybe we spend too much time trying harder to love and not enough time abiding deeper.

Because if I am empty, I will eventually start asking the people I’m trying to love to refill me.

But if I am continually being filled by God, I have something to give that doesn’t depend entirely upon what I receive in return.

His Love Through Us

So how do we really love our neighbor as ourselves?

We begin where Jesus began.

With God.

Love Him. Seek Him. Know Him. Immerse yourself in His love.

Let His love change the way you see yourself.

And then let that love spill over onto the people around you—the easy ones, the difficult ones, the people who love you back and the people who never will.

You don’t have to manufacture the love you’re trying to give away.

Receive it first.

Then let it flow.

His Love Through Us.

Love yourself, as yourself. Gal. 5:14®